Recently, I purchased Fifty Shades of Grey for my Nook.
I didn't do it because I thought I would like the book, I
bought it because I have an annoying habit. This habit is that I have to read something
before I can honestly say I dislike it. It was the whole reason why I read the Twilight series.
Intelligently, how could I say I disliked something unless I had read it?
At any rate, some background information that I already knew
was that it was a published "fanfiction", basically with just the
characters' names changed and being a little bit more edited. It was a
BDSM-romance novel. And it was pretty dirty, so dirty that it had earned the
nickname "Mommy-porn." As I understand it, the nickname is correctly
earned. I mean, the fact that it was from a Twilight fanfiction
explains a lot, especially when considering that the largest fan-base for Twilight are
adult women, mainly mothers.
It also helps to explain why the book is so popular.
Continuing...
I managed to get a Microsoft Word file of "Master of
the Universe", the original Twilight fiction for
comparison. Some fan (or non-fan) had the foresight to save the file for things
like this. Or, you know, to read it again because it was so well-loved, in the
case it was removed. And it was removed from fanfiction.net
Removed because it had been published. The name was changed
though, to avoid copyright lawsuits (remember He-Man and the Masters of the
Universe?). Not to mention the song, was it by Prince?
I've read the first chapter so far. I read the original
work. Not a lot has been changed. And I can honestly say that I may have
preferred the fanfiction over the published novel, if only for the lack of
female-hatred based on looks in the fanfiction and the more...realistically
human way of speaking. I've highlighted some things that I'd like to discuss
about here. And by discuss, I mean rant with a burning hatred.
First, the novel opens quite uneventfully. Then we get this fantastic statement:
"Kate
is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to
the flu." Now, a better way to write that sentence could be "Kate, my
roommate, has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu," but I'm
not
necessarily angry about the way the sentence is written. And I'm not
going to rave about grammar at all as I don't want to write more than I
have to. I'm angry about what
the sentence says. She chose to get the flu? What?
No one chooses to get the flu. I never choose to vomit, have
diarrhea, have a fever, feel terrible, and perhaps go to the hospital. And I
don't think anyone else does either. Why would you be upset at someone for
that? And later, the way she describes the way that Kate looks, it makes it
seem like all Kate had was a cold. Learn the symptoms of the flu if you are
going to write about it. Goodness.
Oh, and she also says "I'm supposed to be working this
afternoon." Since this is, obviously, a sudden change in plans, she
wouldn't have time to let her bosses know ahead of time. And no boss that I
know would accept, "I'm going to go interview this really important guy
for the school newspaper in place of my roommate. No, I'm not part of the
newspaper, she's just my roommate and she asked me to do it for her. Duh, I
couldn't say no. She's like my best friend ever, and I totally have latent
lesbian feelings for her as I am hyper-aware of how beautiful she is." She
would be fired in the real world. Even the most liberal of bosses that I know
either want you to be sick with the flu, or they want a few
days notice. But the whole story-line is stupid because there would
be no reason for her to do something with the newspaper. She never explains why
someone else from the newspaper isn't going instead. And I'm sure Kate doesn't
write, edit, and publish the whole paper by herself.
Just
in case I'm wrong, I asked a friend who works on our
newspaper at my university. Which is a small liberal arts college. And
she said, and I quote, "WHAT?! I can hardly handle one section! Haha,
no, it would be extremely difficult!"
Next: "Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc." and later,
Grey's words, "I don't have to answer to a board." Umm...definition
of incorporated: "A type of company, a legal
entity where the ownership has been arranged into shares.
A shareholder has no responsibilities to the company and the
potential losses of the shareholder are limited to the value of the
stock turning to zero in the case of a bankruptcy." And that was an
easy Wiki find. I mean, hasn't this author ever watched Batman? Wayne
Enterprises? Sound familiar? He owns his own company, is super rich, and there
is no Inc. at the end of the company name. That isn't something that people put
there because they think it sounds fancy.
Anyway.
"She smiles kindly at me, amused no doubt, as I sign
in." So, any time a good-looking woman smiles kindly at
you, she must OBVIOUSLY be laughing at you. I'm so glad I know
that so I can go back at my college and be intimidated by the many good-looking
women there. I mean, I had no idea they were all amused by me
and my lack of equal looks! Oh, and, as a side-note, these good-looking woman
are all blonde. But she never says what shade of blonde, so I'm going to think
that they are natural blondes, not dyed-haired blondes. Which means that I am a
part of the blondes that she is picking on. Thanks author, thanks. We aren't
all secretaries or lackies, we have goals in life. Me, I'm becoming president
and making multi-millions by being wicked awesome. Not by writing a poorly
written fanfiction.
And she continues right after by saying this, "She
hands me a security pass that has "visitor" very firmly stamped on
the front. I can't help but smirk. Surely it's obvious that I'm just visiting.
I don't fit in here at all. Nothing changes." Oh no! They gave
you a VISITOR'S PASS for VISITING! HOW DARE THEY?! This was where I
wanted to throw my nook across the room. I visited my old junior high and high
school last week. I hadn't seen some of those teachers in over 6 years, and
they still recognized me. And, surprise surprise, even though
I was recognized and it was after school hours, I STILL had to
wear a visitor's pass. Did I throw a fit, smirk at the little pass (which would
be creepy I just realized. Picture that for a moment, better yet, pick up a
piece of paper, smirk at it and think about how you look), and bemoan my life
that nothing changes and of course they would give me a visitor's pass,
it is obvious I don't belong here as I look older? No,
I didn't. I just said okay, hung the pass around my neck, and went on my merry
way. The woman behind the desk didn't even sneer or anything at this narrator,
Ana. She just handed her the pass as she would any other person.
Frankly, I would feel grateful that I wasn't being judged if I was so out-of-place
as I'm supposed to think Ana is.
Now, another thing that I am upset about, "I have
definitely worn the wrong clothes." ...what? You know you are going to
meet a SUPER RICH and IMPORTANT PERSON, Ana, why don't you wear your best clothes?
Or, you know, borrow Kate's clothes as she is so beautiful (so she must have
expensive clothing as well)? Why would you wear something that you think is
out-of-place, on purpose? I'm supposed to feel for you? Hell, I
would have quick stopped at a store to pick up a skirt/pant-suit just for
the occasion if I didn't have one. If I couldn't afford it, see what
rental costs would be, it's Seattle, they have something nearby. Or
go to a second-hand store or Salvation Army. Every time I've gone into one of
those they have some sort of dress-clothes.
So, I sigh and continue.
""That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something
you feel passionately about? Feeding the world's poor?"
He shrugs noncommittally." And we're supposed to think
he's a good person from that. You know what that says to me? That says to me
that he's doing one good thing to make it seem like he deserves all
his money. Picture this: people are pointing out that his company is making
millions more than it should and that Grey is throwing his money frivolously in
everyone's face, especially those in America who may need the money or who need
a job. His PR people will come back with pictures and stories and shout
"but look at all the people he is feeding! He is feeding the world's poor!
He is giving so much! The company may make a lot, but look at how much they are
spending on the poor's food!" And then everyone forgets about it, or
doesn't look look at the proportion of revenue versus money spent on doing good. His shrug
tells me he doesn't care. And, now that I look it over again (I had just
highlighted notes on here), it doesn't actually say that he feeds the world's
poor. It just says that he is invested in farming technologies and that he
understands that there are a lot of people who don't have enough to eat. He never
actually gives them food. And he never says where the farming technologies are
located. They could be for big businesses in America. How does that help people
in South America or Africa? They can't afford new technologies. It is just implied by
Ana that he feeds the world's poor. It is just her consciousness that
says that he feeds people. Wow...I never even got that before. Thank you, blog,
for helping me dislike this even more.
The rest of the chapter is just a shameless plug for how he
likes to control things, how he dazzles her, yet makes her skin crawl and blah
blah blah. Repetitive nonsense and I don't want to rant on any longer
because I'm so sick of this chapter, I can't even handle it.
Fuck, I have to read the rest of this book. Good thing my
21st birthday is coming up in less than a month, I'll probably be half-drunk to
full-drunk when I'm reading the rest. And I still have a warranty on my nook,
just in case in my fuzzy state of mind, it is thrown across the basement,
house, or yard, in anger.
But, I'm not going to complain about doing this like Ana
does, this is my choice, just like it was her's to go to the interview. No one
stuck a gun to her head and made her do it. I'm just going to grumble at my
stubborn personality for a while.
Best wishes,
Sunshine.
